How can I find myself in a Christian Seminary being trained to deliver the Word of God when I am so sinful? My selfishness knows no bounds. All my waking hours I’m calculative and evil. I don’t listen to others. I brag about myself. But, of what is there to brag? Is not all that is good from the Lord?
Meaningless, meaningless, says the teacher, everything is meaningless. I know not my direction. I sometimes question whether I exist. The simplest philosophical problems tear at my mind. What do I have? Will God teach me his purpose? Can I ever really learn to love people? Every person I see; I see only faults. Cynicsim and sarcasm control my mind.
A torturous life of following God. I seek all my days, but to no avail. Rejecting others to prevent being rejected myself. Scars from many trials. It seems that all those around me trust God in all they do. Why can’t I find this relief if for only a moment? I feel as Martin Luther yelling out in his cell “Take your hands off me, Satan.”
My knowledge is as an infant to learned scholar. My trust, my patience, my love. Where are they to be found?
My soul longs out for you, oh God. Help me through these days of trouble. Keep Satan at bay. Bring my mind and my heart to you. For you alone promise salvation and forgiveness of my many sins.